Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
