my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
