At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
