my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
