What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
