guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Randomize
