i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
