I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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