i think i have two assholes
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
