Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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