My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
