When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
