i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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