I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Randomize
