you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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