I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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