just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
