just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
