If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think your dad took our porno
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
