I was born with a shot glass in my hand
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
