On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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