Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
