He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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