my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
