Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
