Please, let me fuck your mom
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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