i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
