I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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