Soap is not a condiment
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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