Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Green mimosas i think yes
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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