Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
