Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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