Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
