I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
