you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
