I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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