Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
