you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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