"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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