How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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