Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
