Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
