I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
