This is not my ceiling
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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