I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
smell my finger.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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