There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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