also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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