only you would photoshop your dick
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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