i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
