the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
